Today, I resumed my hair mask routine. I used to do it weekly and fell off. It’s a natural recipe my grandmother used. Mix eggs, castor oil, and mash avocado. It works. But I wanted something better so I googled DIY hair masks and found ten. I chose one, then realized I needed coconut cream. When I checked the pantry, I noticed I didn’t have any so I had to go to the supermarket. Items got added to the now grocery list. I spent two hours in Walmart. By the time, I got back home, I didn’t have time to do the hair mask because I was supposed to go on a family outing. Had I stuck to the original recipe, I would’ve treated my hair to an excellent treat.
For years, possibly my whole life, I’ve always wanted to be perfect. Technology, which I love, has enabled this insecurity. My fingertips are the doors to doubting myself and searching for a better way of doing things.
I search Google when I don’t know what to do. I send my work for feedback when I don’t know how to proceed. My writing is an attempt, unsuccessfully, to emulate experts’ work. I watch endless hours of productivity videos, attend writing workshops, read craft books and articles, and constantly ask others for their opinions on all matters. Even if I, intuitively, know what to do, I spend so much time looking for a better process and in the end, don’t do anything.
My need for perfection fuels my technology addiction and it has become an entrapment. I spend hours every day, stuck in the gaps between one to-do item and the next. In the search for perfection, I’ve trapped myself in the monotone cycle of perfecting unfinished pieces, overworking, scrolling on social media, and repeating the same routine, never being fully present, always criticizing myself, always looking for more efficient, more effective, bigger, fitter, prettier. I want to be the perfect writer, the perfect employee, and the perfect wife, mother, and daughter but who can do all that and not lose herself?
So here I am, using technology to hold myself accountable, trust my intuition, embrace the imperfect, and be more present. Hopefully, I can accomplish more without feeling so guilty all the time.
In this journey, I hope to discover where my perfectionism stems from. But even better, I’ll reconnect with my intuition, appreciate small random moments and failures, and question the norms.
The goal is to observe, engage, and write, forcing myself to be present in each moment. This is where I capture my imperfect world.
I’ll share my adventures here. Every week I’ll post a short note, with a video or a picture of what I tried that week. I anticipate some of it will be boring, some weird, some big failures, and some, I hope, funny.
I’m forcing some restrictions on myself. No more following advice based on social media posts about self-care, new age spirituality, writing craft, self-improvement, or productivity. No more YouTube videos on these topics either. No aiming for that perfect picture or post.
I hope you join me. I’d love to hear how you engage with your world.