The water temperature surrounding Miami’s coast has increased to a hundred degrees. The reefs are in danger. My team and I have been taking corals to the lab to preserve them. In the loneliness and vastness of the ocean, I am free. Fifty feet deep, the waves carry me and I offer no resistance. The coral I’m examining is glowing bright turquoise. I get closer to it and its brightness is too much for my eyes. I close them and float around blindly as I try to grab the coral. When I finally grab it, it glows stronger. So strong that even with my eyes closed, I see the ocean light up around me.
Photo by Joseph Northcutt on Unsplash
In this alternate reality of my present, I’m a marine biologist doing my part to save the ocean I so love. I am active, drenched in salt, and immersed in pure divine power as I see it.
But that’s not how life happened. The brief scene above is part of a story I wrote after two instructors gave me a prompt. Instructor Silk-Jazmyne, with whom I took an Intro to Fiction class, and Faylita Hicks, Nonfiction Cohort leader of The Words of Resistance & Restoration Fellowship, both gave me a prompt.
The two-part prompt is: Define an event that has divided your life into the before an event and after.
Part one inspired the scene I shared.
Part two of the prompt is to write a scene based on what my life would’ve been like if that event had not happened. The first time I heard the prompt was about two years ago when I attended a workshop by Jaquira Diaz.
On all three occasions, I chose the robbery first as the moment that changed the course of my life. Then I recalled what caused that moment: when I became houseless. Again looking for the moment that would help me avoid this life, even if imaginary, I rewinded my mind time travel machine even further back: My grandmother’s death. Even further back: If my grandmother’s health never deteriorated, I would’ve had the family support I feel is necessary for a child to thrive.
After enjoying writing the story though, I remembered who I am and the life I’ve created, the accomplishments. Without my journey, this life would have been different too and I’d probably be living another life wishing to have this one. It’s easy to have regrets or even disdain for our current life situations. No bright side to that feeling. And yet, it is also possible to enjoy what I’ve created. My journey didn’t make me stronger or wiser, my journey made me more compassionate for those who walk a similar path.
Many ancient cultures believe we choose our path in life. We choose our parents, our families, and our struggles. We plan our lives before we are born and sign a contract that this current simulation is the one that we will call life. Then when we are born, we forget not only the contract but the reason we are here. Recently, with the help of my spiritual leaders, I remembered parts of who I am. And I am here to record and share a message with as many as would listen. This message is embedded in everything I write
Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash.
In a similar conversation, a friend brought up one of James Baldwin’s quotes. I found the longer version of the quote at https://www.themarginalian.org/2017/05/24/james-baldwin-life-magazine-1963/
“An artist is a sort of emotional or spiritual historian. His role is to make you realize the doom and glory of knowing who you are and what you are. He has to tell, because nobody else in the world can tell, what it is like to be alive. All I’ve ever wanted to do is tell that, I’m not trying to solve anybody’s problems, not even my own. I’m just trying to outline what the problems are. I want to be stretched, shook up, to overreach myself, and to make you feel that way too.” ~ James Baldwin
I believe without a doubt. Writers, especially, are a sort of “emotional or spiritual historians.” We tell the world what is like to be ALIVE. We remind others what is like to feel, to cry, to love, to suffer, to fear.
The tools I use to fulfill my purpose are my experiences. Without my experiences, I wouldn’t have been so invested in housing insecurity and all the intersecting social issues that uphold its existence.
Writing about my life is always scary and uncomfortable. I worry my writing will not be interesting or worse that others will judge me. I worry I will cast negativity over my community. I worry others won’t want to read about yet another homeless, domestic violence, or incarceration story.
Sometimes to change my norm, I want to lean into joy, and when I write joyous scenes, it feels fake, boastful, temporary, and insignificant to take up space on the page. Not that I do not feel joy. Quite the opposite. I am enjoying my life, my husband, my sons, my grandbabies, my work, and even my round, aging body. But even writing about joy feels boring. That is the price I didn’t know about when I signed the contract for this writer’s life. I wouldn’t have agreed to do a job that would make me doubt myself, be rejected over and over again, and expose me in worse ways than standing naked in the middle of the highway. My soul is lazy and comfort-seeking.
Yet, I find courage in Audre Lorde’s essay The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action, she admits “ of course I am afraid, because the transformation of silence into language and action is an act of self-revelation, and that always seems fraught with danger.” ...” And that visibility which makes us most vulnerable is that which also is the source of our greatest strength.”
Because our “silence will not protect us.”
This is such a harsh truth I’ve been fighting all my life too, not only in writing but in all areas of my life. I have a hard time speaking up. If anything, writing makes it a tad easier. Actually, I don’t know if it will ever get easier. The only thing I can do is keep doing it over and over until I am not able to speak or write anymore. For now, though my dear reader, I hope you are well, writing, and making progress in whatever your purpose in life is. Thank you for reading this post.
Wow! Once again you have captivated my attention. Here I am thinking. "What's this about deep sea diving and saving the planet?" when all of a sudden I'm thrown back into your reality! You never cease to amaze me and I sure hope to get your book soon. I want an autographed copy so You'll have to tell me the price so I can reimburse you. I'll send you my mailing address. I have just sent my book to an agent ... after several edits, some of which were expensive and not all that helpful. However edit more, I did and FNW's liked it and John endorsed it for me. He'll do so for you too if you ask him. :) I think the reason your book is so compelling is not because of how you started out but because of where you've ended up and I know it will motivate others who are still trapped in the system. Sadly, though not many have your stamina, your determination, and your brilliance. But never think your story isn't important. You may end up saving someone's life! I'm so proud to have you for a friend. Let me know if you want to read my book I'll email it to you.
John will be happy to endorse your book too. Just email him with a copy of the book :) if you don't have his email lt me know. I'll send it to you :)
I'll send you my book. Let me know how you like it :)